The birds and the bees.....Pinata Style

Dang that Santa. Dang him right to heck. (And dang the use of my "clean" language, when all I really feel like doing is swearing right now. BUT, you never know who's reading this blog, right? So, I will just continue to swear in my mind and pretend that I really do have a mouth that I could kiss my Mother with.) Now, what did the big guy do that's so bad, you might ask? Well, this is exactly what he did. He gave my 9 year old son a lesson in Sex Ed that we didn't quite bargain for..... all through a seemingly harmless video game...... that he got for Christmas. Is it all starting to make sense now? Really? You're still lost? Well, let me fill you in. Grab a drink and a snack 'cause this is gonna be GOOD! (And juicy.....and full of innuendos....if you're lucky! {wink, wink})

So, do me a fav. Watch this video real quick.....It won't take long....I promise. 43 seconds or less.... Just do it.....It'll be worth it.....

Now what do you see from this video? I see a fun-filled game involving pinatas. Nothing more. Nothing less.No blatant sexual undertones. No underlying innuendos. No mention of, dare I say, intercourse. (Gasp.) So I urged Zachary to ask for this game for Christmas. I am all about being able to use my children's Christmas toys as my own, and this game kinda intrigued me. Hmmm...plant a garden, attract species of pinatas, take care of your garden. Seems harmless enough. Bam! Christmas day, said game is opened and oohed and aahed over. Zachary plays it for awhile and then a couple of nights later when he's in bed I decide to give it a little try. I am hooked. I start by making my garden. Then I plant certain types of plants and this attracts certain species of pinata. Then, having certain species of pinata in your garden attracts other species of pinata. Seems kind of dumb, but oh so addicting! Then, the longer I play the game, the more skills I gain....And I've got mad skillz, baby! It's then that I realize this: Your pinatas can procreate! Well I never......

So this is how it goes.

1. You must have two of the same species of pinata. (Well, thanks captain obvious.)

2. All of the pinatas "needs" must be met. ( Things like feeding them a certain food, or making sure a certain type of plant is growing in the garden.)

3. You need to make sure they have a house. ('Cause I guess these little suckers don't want to "do it" in the car. Where's their sense of adventure, I ask you.)

After all of their needs are met is when the "magic" happens. You drag the two little love birds together. Little hearts flutter above their heads. The screen flashes forward to the inside of the house. The two pinatas are doing a love dance. (I am NOT making this up.) Now the screen flashes to the outside of the house where it is ROCKING UP AND DOWN! (Holy snake eyes on Sunday.) Then it flashes back into the inside of the house where the male pinata rolls over and falls asleep and the female pinata lights up a teeny tiny pinata cigarette. (Okay, just kidding....now I'm making it up, but I just wanted to see if ya'll were paying attention.) So, after they are done shaking the house to high heavens, both pinatas crawl out of the house and go their separate ways. Pretty soon the baby fairy comes and drops an egg in your garden, and in 1-2 minutes you are the proud parents of a baby pinata! (Whoops. I guess they forgot to use protection.) I am crapping you not!

I don't want to even know what sorts of thoughts are running through my 9 year olds head right now......fluttering love hearts......foreplay dancing..... if the house is rockin' don't come a knockin'.....Isn't he too young for this stuff? Isn't he too young for this video game? What's this rated E for everyone junk?! And why, oh why, did he have to learn the birds and the bees from a stinkin' video game? I for sure thought he'd learn it from some dirty little perv on the playground. I guess it's time for that 'Talk." The one that I'm going to make Santa Claus come and give him!