Feminine Hygeine products???? OH MY.

Let me paint a picture for you. Me and my four lovely kids are out running errands. One of them happens to be to Toys-R-Us. (I know, I know....the very thought of it makes me want to lose my mind too.) BUT, it is a necessary evil. There is a toy that Zach got for his birthday (um....like three weeks ago) that I MUST return. I say must because if it sits on my kitchen counter for one more day, my husband might likely lose his ever lovin' mind. So, I deem today errand day. It is not pleasant, it is not fun, but it has got to be done. I am dragging my kiddos all over the town and, quite frankly, none of us are having the grandest time. They are excited for a trip to the old toy store because places like the bank just aren't doing it for them. I am praying that I will be able to get my four little natives out of that evil store in less than an hour. Things are going pretty smoothly. I exchange the present, pick up a couple of doll strollers and am letting Zach look at the nintendo DS games when I smell it. C'mon Moms, you know what I'm talking about......that unmistakable smell of a child who has gone off to the corner and dropped a load in his pants. I look around for the culprit. AHA! There he is, and wouldn't you know it, the kid just happens to be mine. I send my oldest two out to the car to get the diaper bag. (I know, I am never prepared, but then again, I'm not a boy scout.) They quickly return to the store, but WITHOUT the baby wipes. I have got to do something, and QUICK! Braden is stinking up the store so bad that they just might condemn it. No time for nonsense. I whisk him off to the bathroom with plans to improvise. And here's where the comedy happens......

I drag all four children into the bathroom. (And yes, this includes my NINE year old son. I have heard too many horror stories of children going to the bathroom alone, and I just refuse to have that happen to anyone that I love. Not if I can help it. So I have become THAT mom. The one that takes her pre-pubescent son into the ladies room. OH WELL......better safe than sorry.) Anyway, back to the story. I lay B on the changing table and proceed to wet aprox. 20 paper towels with water so that I can properly clean my child's poopy hind end. By the way, this is not going exactly as planned. Has anyone ever tried to clean a poopy bum with wet paper towels??? I guess there is a reason that baby wipes were invented.....those lovely little things. Several rolls of paper towels later (okay, that may be a mild exaggeration), I am washing the poop off my hands (I never said this story wasn't going to make you dry heave), when my darling Kylie asks this question "Mom, what's a Tampon? (only she pronounces it Tampone, like rhymes with snow cone.) She is staring straight at the dispenser that distributes those "special" feminine hygiene products. I am flustered, I am weary, I am washing human feces off my hands for crying out loud! So, I respond with a little, bitty, teeny, weenie, eensey white lie. "Uh......a tampone is a kind of medicine." YES. Slam dunk. A totally believable story. And don't judge. I don't make it a practice to lie to my children, I just wasn't going to have "that talk" with my kids in a bathroom in Toys-R-freakin'-Us. I thought I was home free. And then, as we are passing the men's bathroom Zach decides to peek his smart little head in to see if the little boys room has that Tampone medicine as well......."But Mom, why doesn't the men's room have a Tampone medicine machine"......

Hey look kids. There's Santa Claus! End of Story.